The Cost of a Body

I had no idea a body cost so much money.

Recently I went to a plastic surgeon to see about liposuction. I know, just work out and you’ll be fit and happy, Stella. Unfortunately, I’ve been working out and power-lifting and loving it but hating how I’ve been perceived on the camera for my job.

I hated how most comments wanted to just post about my body and how I’d gained weight. No matter how many times I told myself that I literally had to gain mass to lift more and win my previous power-lifting competition, it wasn’t enough to keep me feeling happy with how I looked.

I used to feel so proud of how I looked and felt, being able to lift double my weight but being so front and center in my line of work made me feel so vulnerable and not nearly good enough to be on camera.

I started obsessing over every fold, wrinkle, pimple, whatever. Finally, I decided to take matters into my own hands and look at different options I could take to maybe get some confidence back. I called up a cosmetic surgeon and made a consultation appointment to see what procedures were realistic for me.

$300 gone and two months later I finally got into the doctor’s office. His office was incredibly polished, just sparkling white and pristine. Gold accents lined every desk and bookcase and I walked in feeling very out of place in my street clothes. The receptionist who greeted me matched the office perfectly, dressed so sharply without a single hair out of place.

She led me to a quiet room with a lovely view of downtown. I sat and waited anxiously, very aware of how I was sweating from having walked over in the sun. A few moments later, I heard a knock at the door and the doctor came in, all smiles.

I shook his hand and noticed just how perfect he looked with his symmetrical face and incredible well-groomed hair. If I were to trust anyone with my aesthetics, I’d definitely trust him. He sat down and asked me what I wanted to have done and I told him my concerns about a double chin and how I felt self-conscious on camera.

He asked gently for permission to touch and study my face and I said “of course!” As he looked at the area I was worried about, he lightly pinched and poked and then sat back. I looked at him, anxiously, wondering what he’d say about my appearance.

He just looked at me and smiled and said “There’s really not a lot of fat there. I don’t think liposuction would really do anything for you. I can’t recommend it.”

I felt two things at once: relief and sadness. I felt relieved that maybe it all was in my head. Maybe I was too hard on myself and seeing imperfections that aren’t there. But then I felt frustration and sadness over the fact that I couldn’t have something done to just erase the problem I thought I was seeing. 

I asked if there were any other alternatives and he suggested a non-surgical route if i really wanted it but that again, it really would not be doing much since there wasn’t a lot of fat under my chin.

I tried to focus on his explanation, but was really distracted by how conscious I was of my body just then at that moment. The way my stomach fit in the pants I wore that day, how my arms pressed against my body making them feel bigger, the way I tilted my chin slightly upward to get rid of the double chin feeling.

My heart dropped a little more realizing maybe I had just really become a horrible person towards myself. I asked the doctor if there was an option for liposuction on my midsection. He asked again if he could assess my body and I stood up and let him look at my sides. He said there was some fat he could work with but it would be shrinking it very minimally.

Once he’d answered all my questions and offered me advice on procedures, he left me back in the care of the receptionist who helped me figure out estimations on surgical plans if I chose to do liposuction. I nearly choked reading the number.

$25,000.

$25,000 just for liposuction around my midsection. I asked questions about payment planes and alternatives with the receptionist and left the office stating I’d have to think about it. Even if I had the money for the procedure, I’d have to take a month off camera work at least to recover from the surgery.

On the drive home, my mind raced trying to find ways I could come up with the money. Maybe it would help me feel a little more comfortable with myself. Maybe it could give me the body I really wanted and saw others obtain on Instagram. Maybe this could fix it?

But what if it didn’t? There’s no guarantee the procedure would be able to give me that “dream” body I wanted. There was no guarantee anything we discussed could fix how I feel about myself. 

Meeting with the doctor was more helpful than I’d imagined. A small part of me wanted to shell out the money through a five year payment plan to make it work, but a bigger part of me remembered how the doctor looked at me and told me that there wasn’t much he could work with.

So much of my own hatred towards my body was just built in my head. It’s weird that a potential bill of thousands of dollars was a wake up call but, I’m glad it was. Cosmetic surgery is a fantastic thing for people who want to feel affirmed and more comfortable in their bodies. But I realized I was trying to do it to appease those shitty comments I’d seen over and over again and not because I wanted it for myself. 

I shouldn’t go into debt over people who talk about my body without realizing what this body can do. I can lift so much more than I have before. I’m actually healthy and at a healthy weight after being severely underweight for most of my life due to actively recovering for half my adult life from an eating disorder.

It is much easier said than done to ignore the hateful comments and discourse around my body when so much of my job is to be on camera and at the front of what we do. It gets really tough a lot of the days, I can’t lie. The best thing I can do for myself is to openly admit that it has gotten to me and that I actively stare into the mirror and hate myself.

But no one who comments negatively on my weight or figure deserves to have more space in my head than they’ve already taken. I’m healthy. I’m constantly doing bigger and better things with my career. And I won my last power-lifting meet and am going into my third competition this October.

It’s so hard to keep positive when the negative sticks out so loudly above the rest. If those people want to spend energy and mental capacity just to hate on me, my body, my job, anything about me, that’s fine. It doesn’t have anything to do with me and it changes nothing about who I am or what I’m doing.

I’m worth so much more than that. I owe it to myself to just focus on me and what makes me happy. If that’s the $25,000 procedure, okay! I want to do it. If it’s just continuing to eat, be happy, lift, get stronger, okay! I’m going to do that. But if I find myself wanting to do something just because it might make those negative voices happier? Fuck that.

It’s going to be hard but I’m going to focus on doing things for me. Cutting out the amount of time I spend on social media has helped immensely with quieting the negative majority who just desperately want to hate someone to make themselves feel better.

It’s going to be a slow process but I’m happy to focus on it, on me.